


Finnish Winter

by BodomBeachTerror



Category: Children of Bodom
Genre: Cancer, Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 05:03:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6457024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BodomBeachTerror/pseuds/BodomBeachTerror
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You can’t leave me alone, Janne Wirman!” I screamed as the doctor looked up at the clock and called the time. “You promised!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finnish Winter

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own anyone in these stories, nor do I know them personally. These are purely works of fiction. The only other site I post these stories on is RockFic, under the name AmandaShotgun. If you see my works anywhere else under any different name, it is not me.

I remember the last tour we did. You pulled me aside and said you had a terrible headache right before we got on stage. You said it hurt so bad you couldn’t seem to remember the music and were afraid you’d ruin the show. I stared at you in disbelief at first, thinking you were trying to prank me but you were serious. I didn’t know how to help you. I just told you to breathe. To focus as much as you could. It would be over soon. You still sounded amazing even if you had to drop out of the song a few times to recall how to play it.

I remember back on the tour bus you were still complaining of the headache. You said your whole body felt like it had just gone through a meat grinder. I joked that the thought would make a great Cannibal Corpse song. You tried to laugh but you were in so much pain. You had never had a headache so bad that pain medication couldn’t touch it. I feared maybe you had hit your head on the bunk in your sleep and were injured.

I remember back home in Finland when you asked me to move in with you. You said you hated being away from me even for a moment and I had never said “yes” to anything as fast as I did when you said that. We moved all my stuff in one day because I honestly didn’t have much to take with me and we were too excited to stop. Carrying some of the heavier things in, you suddenly dropped your end of the couch and looked down at your arms. I put the other end down to make sure you were alright and you told me your arms had become too weak to lift it. I thought maybe you had just overworked them and you’d feel better the next day. We ended up pushing the couch just in the doorway and vowing to fix it tomorrow. It’s still there. Right where you left it. You never did feel strong enough to pick it up again.

I remember the first night of me living with you. We had been drinking and passed out in the bed together. You got up so many times to puke up all the alcohol you had drank, and then stomach acid, and then blood. You immediately shrugged it off when you explained the blood around your mouth. You hadn’t eaten anything that day, you probably overdid it. You’d feel better in the morning. Hungover, but better. You got up three more times that night until you finally fell asleep again. I stayed awake just to make sure you were okay. You didn’t feel better in the morning.

I remember spending an entire week trying to get you to eat. You kept saying you weren’t hungry and that you felt sick. I wasn’t going to force you but I always made enough food for both of us in case you decided you were hungry. After six days of refusal your eyes were blank and sinking into your face. I gave you an ultimatum, eat something or I would take you to the hospital. You chose the food because you despised hospitals. That night you threw it all up and came back to bed with blood around your mouth again. You could tell I was worried and you kept trying to explain it away but your face already looked dead. It terrified me.

I remember calling the guys over to help me force you into the car. You wouldn’t go see a doctor but you wouldn’t eat either. You struggled so much and it took three of us to get you in. We had to hold you down the entire ride because you kept trying to get out. I didn’t know what you were so afraid of, I kept trying to talk you down but you didn’t listen. You just wanted to go home and it made me feel like shit that I was making you do this. It took three of us again to get you out of the car and into the office. People stared at your frantic struggling but I hung onto you tightly and you eventually tired yourself out.

I remember the doctor agreeing with me that you looked like death. He was so concerned and you were too tired to argue it anymore. You agreed to the tests and I held your hand while they drew your blood because you hated needles. “I love you.” I said quietly when you refused to look me in the eyes. “I’m only doing this because I’m worried about you.” You wouldn’t look at me or speak to me the whole way home. You curled up on the very edge of the bed to get as far away from me as possible and it broke my heart. I thought you hated me. You eventually came around after a couple of days, but you didn’t apologize for being angry with me. I didn’t blame you.

I remember when they called you and said you needed to come in for scans. They said it didn’t look good. You sighed and whined as we put you in the car. It only took two of us this time. Maybe you were starting to understand this was for your own good. You finally admitted that the terrible headaches had never gone away, you just stopped telling me about them so I wouldn’t worry. It only worried me more. You had been in pain for so long and I couldn’t help you. We didn’t tell you they were doing these scans in a hospital until you looked out the window and saw the large building. We had to hold you down again because you started to freak out and you begged me not to make you go in. My heart sank when I told you you had no choice, you were going in. I think you caught a tear escape from my eye as we forced you in the doors. You suddenly stopped struggling when you saw it just before I could wipe it away and put my brave face on again. One of us had to be the brave one. Maybe it was you that day, because when we let go of you, you walking into the room without any coaxing. I think you understood how much it hurt me to do this to you.

I remember waiting for you to come back after the scans were done. They told you to just wait in the room with me, they’d have the results back soon. You sat on that cold exam table even though they told you not to and you stared at me. You just looked at me with your sunken, lifeless eyes and I almost lost it. I almost broke down in tears but I stopped myself when I could feel them welling up in my eyes and creating a knot in my throat. I never looked away from you though, even as we sat in silence for a period of time that I hadn’t counted. You reached up to fix you hair and when you put your hand back down, there was a clump of your hair clutched in your weak fist. You stared at it like it was a beast posed to attack and I think that’s the first time you had ever shown me that you were scared. You were scared of what was wrong with you. I brushed the hair out of your hand and held your hands in mine. I couldn’t crack in front of you, it would only frighten you more than you already were.

I remember you sat there with your mouth slightly open and a weak, pitiful sound came out of your mouth. Cancer. Untreatable. Terminal. It was too much for you to take in at once. I can’t recall much of what the doctor said as my head began to spin and I had to dig my nails into my palm to stop myself from crying. You didn’t have to be the brave one today, I’d take the burden for you. I only wish I could take every burden from you. I’d gladly die in your place just to make sure I’d never have to live one day without your smile.

I remember meeting the guys at the car and you were still staring straight ahead. You couldn’t bring yourself to speak and I couldn’t bring myself to say the word. I just curled my lips and shook my head when they looked at me for an answer. If I said it, I’d lose it for sure. I couldn’t let you see that. When you got into the car you leaned over and put your head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of your head and held you for the rest of the trip. You finally spoke just before we got home and I knew you had been building up the courage to say it since we left the hospital. “Guys... I’m going to die.” The words echoed in my head and I tried to shove them away. I didn’t want to believe it. You didn’t want to believe it. They didn’t want to believe it. I only wish you hadn’t phrased it that way.

I remember when you laid out all the pill bottles on the counter. They had you on so many drugs that I feared you would turn into a walking corpse, kept alive by chemicals. You assured me that wouldn’t happen. You didn’t want to take all of them. There was one for pain, another for pain when that didn’t work, one to make you sleep, one to keep your hair from falling out, and one to help your immune system because they said it would stop working properly soon. I forgot the rest, but even you couldn’t keep track of them most of the time. You never took the sleeping pills and sometimes you would be up all night just staring at the wall. I barely slept for fear that you slip away from me when I wasn’t looking. One night you asked me why I hadn’t been sleeping and I told you the truth. You shook your head and gave me a weak smile as you came over to hold me. “I’ll never leave you alone, I promise.” You said. I don’t know if you ever believed that but I did. Maybe out of denial or maybe because I had hope that the doctors were wrong.

I remember the night you tried to drink even though the doctors said you couldn’t. You scoffed when I reminded you about it and took a shot anyways. Three shots in and you were in the bathroom puking up alcohol and blood again. I just stood there, holding your hair back like you had done for me countless times. If you couldn’t drink, neither could I. I wouldn’t let you do this alone. I sat on the bathroom floor with you for hours until you didn’t feel sick anymore and you wanted to go to bed. I cleaned the blood off of your skinny, fragile face and followed you to the bedroom. I slept that night. I don’t know if you did.

I remember taking showers just to have a place to break down where you wouldn’t see it. I don’t think I ever took one without leaning against the wall and crying. One time you heard me and came in, asking me what was wrong. I didn’t know what to say. You stood under the burning hot water with me as I cried and you ran your fingers through my hair, trying to calm me down. Your fingers had gotten so bony and your body so skinny. I was crying because you were wasting away right in front of me and I couldn’t help you. I was scared of losing you and I didn’t know how much longer I could pretend to be brave when you cried and said you missed being able to eat. I think you were only eating every other day. I didn’t really know because every day seemed to just melt together.

I remember when you begged me to take you to get a tattoo. I laughed at first, thinking you were kidding but you were serious. You were scared of needles and the doctor said it wouldn’t be the best idea but you just kept begging me. I couldn’t say no, I could never say no to you. So I took you the next day and watched as the needle dug into your skinny hand. You barely winced in pain, but I figured you had been in so much pain daily that it didn’t bother you. The thought upset me and I tried to push it away quickly. You smiled at me and your eye twitched. “I don’t know how you do it.” You said with a laugh as the pain was clearly getting to you. When it was done you held up your hand and I held my next to it. I guess if anyone deserved to have the snake tattoo, it was you.

I remember when you started eating again and I thought you were getting better. You face was still so bony and your eyes were still set deep into your skin. You weren’t gaining any weight... you were still losing it. No matter how much you ate, you just got skinnier. They warned me that this would happen but I didn’t realize how much it would scare me to see you like this. There was hardly anything left of you. I helped you to the couch because you were having trouble walking that day and we watched a movie together. Some days you were fine, other days you could barely function without my help. It was a roller coaster that I really wanted to stop riding.

I remember the day when you lost your ability to play music. You were sitting at the couch with your keyboard, playing anything that came into your head and I just listened. Suddenly you started hitting the wrong keys and cursing to yourself. It looked like your fingers were trying to tie themselves together and you panicked. “I... I can’t move them right.” You started crying as you tried to play and you just couldn’t. You fingers just wouldn’t do what you wanted them to. You sat back and looked at me with tears streaming down your face and I held you until you tired yourself out and fell asleep. It didn’t take much to tire you anymore.

I remember the night you rolled out of bed howling in pain. I sat on the floor with you as you curled into a ball and cried out, unable to make the pain stop. You begged me not to take you to the hospital and I told you I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to stress you out any more than you already were. The pain seemed to continue for hours and your body shook with every sound you tried to make. I couldn’t help you. All I could do was sit with you and try to hold you even though you said it hurt when anything touched you. You kept reaching out for me though, and I couldn’t decide if it was better to hold you and cause you pain so you would feel comforted or not touch you at all to avoid the pain. I didn’t know exactly how much time I had left to hold you, so I pulled your frail body into my lap as you cried and writhed in pain. Finally your body relaxed and you said the pain had gone away just as quickly as it came. You tried to stand up but you couldn’t. I lifted you back onto the bed... you weren’t too heavy for me anymore and that was scary.

I remember the day you stopped being able to walk on your own. I helped you get around the house every day. Your skinny arm draped over my shoulders for support became a constant blanket for me. One day I sat you on the couch and you started to cry. When I asked you what was wrong, you told me your pain medication had stopped working. You could feel all the pain it had numbed over the last few months and you were in agony. You said you were too weak to even curl yourself up like you usually did when the pain set in. I stared at you in disbelief when you begged me to take you to the hospital. I thought this was it... I thought you were going to leave me. But you didn’t.

_beep... beep... beep_

“Now here I am, listening to your heart monitor and talking to you even though I’m not sure you can hear me. They said you were just asleep but you haven’t woken up in days. Do you remember when we first got here and they tried to say I couldn’t stay in the room with you? You used all the energy you had left to yell at them until they agreed. The guys are here too... I don’t know if you could hear them earlier.” I looked over at my band mates that were sitting in a corner looking at the floor. They didn’t know how to handle this either. Janne had been in the hospital for a month since he asked me to bring him here. Every day we were scared we would get that call. But every day we came here and saw him.

_beep... beep... beep_

“I’ve been talking for hours... I’m so sorry. If you can hear me, you’re probably really annoyed by now. I think you always hated it when I talked too much even though you swore it didn’t bother you. You were never a good liar. I always liked that about you. You had such a problem with lying to be that you couldn’t pull it off when you tried.” I put his hand in mine and it felt like nothing but skin and bones. He was hooked up to so many machines and IVs that all I was allowed to do was hold his hand. It killed me inside. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to hold him, I wanted to kiss him... before it was too late.

“Alexi...” His eyes opened slightly and his voice was barely a whisper. He was too weak to even speak. “I love you.”

_beep... beep... beep_

He tried to sit up but he had no muscle left to move himself. He was so skinny and so frail that it looked like he would crack into pieces if he tried to move. He looked at me and I watched the last flicker of light leave his eyes. “I won’t... leave you alone...”

_beep... beep... beep_

“I promise.” He squeezed my hand and his eyes closed again. He appeared to be sleeping for a couple minutes but his grip on my hand weakened. I stood up and so did the guys.

_beep... beep... flatline_

A team of nurses rushed in at the sound and shoved me out of the way. I tried to get back over there to see him but two large, shaking hands grabbed my arms and held me back. I didn’t care whose fucking hands they were or what the nurses were doing or... or.... I was losing my train of thought in a fit of rage and agony.

“You can’t leave me!” I yelled as tears streamed down my face and my heart beat out of control. I was now struggling in the grip of two people that were both shaking and gripping me as hard as they could. “You can’t leave me alone, Janne Wirman!” I screamed as the doctor looked up at the clock and called the time. “You promised!”


End file.
